Jokes....Jokes.....Jokes.......
An applicant was
filling out a job application.
When he came to
the question,
#Have
you ever been arrested?#He
answered, #No.#
The next question,
intended for people, who had answered in the
affirmative to the
last one, was #Why?#
The applicant answered
it anyway: #Never
got caught.#
Employer to applicant:#In
this job we need someone who isresponsible.#
Applicant: #I'm
the one you want. On my last job,
every time anything
went wrong, they said I was responsible.#
#Young
man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?#
#I
ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months.#
Judge to defendant:
#Aren't
you ashamed, coming here for thethird time?#
Defendant: #Well,
you come every day.#
Sunny: #My
mom took me to the cemetery last Sunday.#
Sonia: #Oh!
anyone dead?#
Sunny: #Yes
All of them#
You really
get bored with answering machines....but what if the
messages are like
the following:
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up
the phone right now, because we're doing something we
really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing
it left
to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company,
I 've already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry,I have plenty of money.
Hi, I'm probably home,
I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, its you.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and
will be used by us.
Subject:
FW: CTRL + ALT + DEL
Husband
: ( Returning late from work ) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife
: Have you brought the ring ?
Husband
: Bad command or filename.
Wife
: But I told you in the morn...
Husband
: Erroneous syntax.
Wife
: What about my new saree ?
Husband
: Variable not found ...
Wife
: At least, give me your Credit Card,
want to do some shopping.
Husband
: Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife
: Do you love me or do you only love computers
or are you just being funny.
Husband
: Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife
: It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband
: Data type mismatch.
Wife
: You are a useless nut.
Husband
: Default Parameter.
Wife
: What about your Salary
Husband
: Access denied. File in use...
Wife
: Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband
:
System unstable.
Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot
A boy come home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"
Girl : "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"
Girl : "Yes, it does it's all the letters from 'H to O'."
Teacher : "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such
masterpieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam,
either a 2B or not 2B."
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any
brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear.
What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference
between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.
'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow
and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
A young blonde was
on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with
the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can
get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said,
"By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the
blonde turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching
herself an alligator.
Later in the day,
the shopkeeper is driving home when he
spots the young
woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator
swimming quickly
toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature and with
a great deal of effort hauls it on to the
swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches
in amazement. Just then the
blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts
out, "Damn it, this
one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Two friends rented
a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught
30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot
so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when
they were driving to rent the boat, the
same guy asked his
friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied,
"Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom ofthe boat."
The first one said,
"You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat today!?!?"
Leo and Sam exited
and locked the car in a hurry,
forgetting to remove
the key which was in the ignition.
Realizing the mistake,
Leo asked, "Why don't we geta coat hanger to open it."
"No, that won't
work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in."
Then Leo suggested,
"What if we use a pocket knife
to cut around the
rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"
"No," said Sam.
"People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Leo,
"we'd better think of something
fast. It's starting
to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
An Australian travel
writer touring Canada was checking out
of the Spokane Hilton,
and as he paid his bill said to the manager,asked,
"By the way, what's
with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since
I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big
Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager.
"The hotel is built
on an Indian reservation, and part of
the agreement is
to allow the chief free use of the premises
for the rest of
his life. He is known as 'Big Chief
Forget-me Not' because
of his phenomenal memory. He is 92
and can remember
the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer
took this in, and as he was waiting for
his cab decided
to put the chief's memory to the test.
"'ello, mate!" said
the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod
in return. "What
did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the
chief's instant reply, without even looking
up, and indeed the
Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his
travel writing itinerary, right across
to the east coast
and back, telling others others of Big
Chief Forget- me
Not's great memory. (One local noted to
him that 'How' was
a more appropriate greeting for an
Indian chief than
''ello mate.') On his return to the
Spokane Hilton six
months later, he was surprised to see
'Big Chief Forget-me
Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on
a stick."How?" said the Aussie."Scrambled," said the Chief.
Little Johnny was
busy doing his homework. As his mother
approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is
two." "Two and two,
the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... "
His mother interrupted,
asking where he had learned this
way of doing math.
Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms.Clara Jones taught him.
His mother was rather
upset and told him to stop the
homework. The next
day she stormed into Little Johnny's
classroom and confronted
Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's mother
told Ms. Jones about
Johnny's different way of doing math
and his claims that
Ms. Jones taught it that way to theclass.
The teacher was
flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't
understand why Johnny
had said what he did. Then suddenly,
Ms Jones exclaimed,
"Oh, I know... here in school we say,
one and one, the
sum-of-which is two."
A man on his way
home from work at the Pentagon came to a
dead halt in traffic
and thought to himself, "Wow, this
traffic seems worse
than usual. Nothing's even moving."
he notices a police
officer walking back and forth between
the lines of cars
so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Excuse me Officer,
what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies,
"The President just found out he was
impeached and he's
all depressed. He stopped his motorcade
in the middle of
the Beltway and he's threatening to douse
himself in gasoline
and set himself on fire. He says his
family hates him
and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he
owes his lawyers.
I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How
much have you collected so far?"
"I've got a lot
of folks still siphoning; but right now I
have about three
hundred gallons."
Things To Do While
Taking Your Driver's Test:
Turn
the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev
the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with
an evil look, "buckle
up!"
Knock
over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the
middle of it, get
out and check to see if you have hit every one.
Come
dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the
car, ask him/her
to put a piece of saran wrap down so he
doesn't dirty the
seat.
When
the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell
him/her that you
thought it was the brake.
When
the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".
Let
in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now
which one is the
gas again?"
After
the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get
out and check the
oil.
The
whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells
like mothballs.
Tell
the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
In
the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
Swear
at everybody on the road.
When
you stop at a light, start revving the engine while
looking
back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
Beep
your horn at everything.
Break
off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
Subject: monkey
One day a guy was
walking down the street at lunch when he saw a Pet Store that had a big
SALE sign in their window. Intrigued, he went inside to check it out. They
had the usual - birds, dogs, cats, fish, etc. But the one that caught his
eye was these 3 monkeys in their cages showcased in the middle of the floor.
He went up to the counter and asked about them.
"What's the deal
with the monkeys?" he inquired. The owner
came up and said
"Ahh, you've got a good eye. They are each very special - let's start with
the first one.
"The monkey sat quietly,
picking at his fur, brushing himself
and cleaning up
his cage and seemed happy at the attention. "This monkey is very
talented - he can handle your office duties. He knows word processing,
spreadsheets, can bang out presentations in no time and is very organized
- his filing is amazing." "Wow, I had no idea" replies the customer, "How
much is it?" "This
one is $300."
"What about the others?"
the customer asked. They moved onto
the 2nd monkey which
seemed just a little quirky - he'd move from side to side and was a little
fidgety with lots of candy wrappers at the bottom of the cage.
"They all have special
talents, let me show you the next one.
This monkey here
is amazingly proficient in computers and programming. He can build databases,
design web pages in JAVA and HTML. He knows all about networks and can
bring your whole office up to the 21st century in technology."
"Wow, that's amazing
! How much is THIS monkey?"
asked the customer.
"This one is a pretty
good deal at $1,000."
Having his attention
piqued, the customer wanted to know more.
"Okay, what about
the last monkey. How much is this one worth?" The third monkey looked back
at them and turned away uninterested. "Ahhh... this is the
most expensive monkey here. This monkey is $5,000".
"Sheesh", replied
the customer. "I bet this one can do
everything, huh?!"
"Well, actually",
said the owner, "this monkey is always doing
something and looks
busy but he never really produces anything he's a Y2K Consultant."
Subject: Meeting
in the Elevator
(a true story)
On a recent weekend
in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel
dining room.
But first she wanted
to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right
back and we'll go
eat," she told her husband, as she carried the coin-laden bucket to the
elevator.
As she was about
to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were
black. One of them was big... very big... an intimidating figure.
The woman froze.
Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought
was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if
one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and
fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they
surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator
was all too obvious.
Her face was flushed.
.
She couldn't just
stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she
picked up one foot
and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator
doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second,and then
another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her.
My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore. Then, one of the men said, "Hit the
floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters
flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet.
A shower of coins poured down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if
you'll just tell us what floor you're going to,we'll push the button."
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
She lifted her head
and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused,
she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor,"
said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button
for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke
genially . He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
laughing.
She thought: My God,
what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak.
She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize
to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were
going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.
The 3 of them gathered
up the strewn quarters and refilled
her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to
her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid
she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good
evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while
they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off.
She pulled herself
together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning
flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose
was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:
"Thanks for the
best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed,
Eddy Murphy &
Michael Jordan
Subject: baby
monkey
Once there
was a small baby monkey stranded on a small island. There was nothing on
this island except dry grass and a
single coconut tree
with many coconuts. One hot day,the dry grass caught fire.
The fire
spread quickly and soon the whole island was on
fire.To escape the
fire the small baby monkey climbed up the
coconut tree, but
the wind was strong and the fire was quickly
working its way
towards the tree. By now the tree and the monkey was surrounded by fire.
The question now is,
WHAT
SHOULD THE SMALL BABY MONKEY DO TO ESCAPE THE FIRE ????
Scroll down
for the answer.....
C'mon
guess what the answer is ??
Come
on folks.....its very simple..
Still, can't
you find an answer ?
The answer
is ........................
If a big monkey like you doesn't know the answer,
How do you
expect a small baby monkey to know........
Thanks for
your time, Monkey!
HEE!!! HEE!!!
HEE!!! HAA!!! HAA!!! HAA!!!
Fish Joke
Guffy's Thoughts for a week....
